i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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