I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
