I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
