I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
