Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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