Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
