I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my sisters under your porch take her home
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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