so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize