Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
