my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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