I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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