Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
