I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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