someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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