What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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