Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
