You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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