Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
