if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I checked into jail on foursquare
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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