Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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