I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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