whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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