Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
