Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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