Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
