New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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