hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
