Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
