My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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