why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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