i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
