It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
