remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
