i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
