dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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