do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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