I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
