I must be too annoying 4 u.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize