I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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