I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
