omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I love you.
Bad choice
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
