Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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