Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
