You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
