I heard we made out
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
