I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
