apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize