i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
His hands were made for my vagina.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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