Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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