Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
