the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
