What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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