My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
