his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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