god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
