dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
