I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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