I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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