....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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