i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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