I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Operation Purity has been aborted
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize