her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
