Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
