running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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