Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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