Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
