Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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