ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
