dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize