...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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