I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
